Your Annual Reminder: Equality for the Holidays
Yes, I do this reminder every year. Why? Because I personally need this every year, and I've heard from many of you that you do too. So here goes...
It's only November and the madness has begun. What day is available for everyone? Whose house might we gather at? What new food allergies or interpersonal conflicts must be navigated? The mental load of the holidays is a big deal.
We know that globally, women continue to do 2/3 more unpaid domestic and carework labour than our male counterparts. And no, that figure does not account for the mental load that goes along with that work.
So, what better time to reset the balance of domestic and care giving labour in our households than for the holiday season? Save yourself a lot of stress this year by setting the stage for “Equality for the Holidays”. Let’s do this.
In many households, the balance of labour is shifting, and men are stepping up to do more household and caregiving labour. However, we know that balance is still not equal in most households, and the holiday season highlights that disparity. It is women who do the majority of holiday labour at home and at work. It’s primarily women who plan the parties, think through the gift giving, plan, shop and prep for meals, decorate, wrap, manage the calendar of events, clean the house and generally work to keep everyone happy. And it’s exhausting and often stressful. Many women come through the holidays tired and depleted.
So, let’s recap, how can we do holidays differently this year?
Two things:
Make the labour visible
Divide it up equally
Make it Visible
Here’s a family holiday tradition we started in our house a couple of years ago. And I promise you it has created the most relaxed holiday seasons I’ve ever had as an adult woman. It goes like this. You all sit down together, adults, kids, everyone, and make a master list of all the tasks that go into making a great holiday, whatever that means for your family.
You can decide which traditions or activities are meaningful and if there are some that aren’t, do yourself a favour and just take them off the list. You can say no to some things. You don’t have to keep doing everything just because it was done in the past.
Be detailed and specific when making your list. Don’t just say “make dinner”, include the planning, the shopping, the prep, the cooking, the clean-up etc. Each part of making that dinner is a job. This step is all about making the invisible labour visible. The list will probably be huge, and there will be people in your household who had no idea.
Divide it Equally
Once you have your master list, then you divide the tasks up equally. Yes, equally. If there are 4 of you, divide it in 4. Go around and have each person choose a task they like best first, and continue until all the tasks are assigned. Every task needs to be done by someone, and sometimes people will end up with a task they don’t enjoy. So be it.
If you have young children, they can and should absolutely participate in this. There will be some tasks they can’t do alone. But helping your kids do something is still a task on your list. So, the adults and older kids in the house need to divide up those helping tasks equally, too. There’s no point in doing this if you’re still doing double or triple duty helping everyone else do their jobs.
Expect Push Back
People may complain about this new arrangement. That’s fine. Change always brings with it some resistance. The key is not to cave and revert back to doing it all yourself.
What we’ve found is that when the tasks get divided more equally, others in your household will begin to take pride in their contributions. We all want to feel like we’re doing something meaningful and important, kids included. This is an opportunity for everyone to feel good about what they’re doing for the holiday.
The other beautiful gift of this shift is that you’re giving your family a better version of you for the holidays. A version of you that can relax, focus on what matters most, and actually have fun instead of spending the whole time running and stressed.
Role Modelling Equality
By doing this as a family or household, everyone is learning exactly what it takes to put together a holiday season at your house. By taking on new tasks, they are also building the essential skill sets of household and care giving work. But more importantly, your household is learning what equality at home can look like. And that is a holiday gift indeed.
All your friends at WLI wish you a restful, peaceful and fun holiday season.
You deserve it.
Belinda, Claudia & Caitlin, your WLI Team
