The Art of Saying No. A Surprising Tool for Reinvention.

I thought I was going to write this piece about functional burnout, because honestly that’s what I’m hearing about from a lot of women, and what I’ve been experiencing for a while myself. I think of functional burnout as that state where you feel exhausted, a bit flat and unsure how you’re going to keep going – but then you do keep going. Every day, you get up and do all the things that need doing. But when I thought about why I’m in that place, I realized at the core of it is what I say yes to and what I say no to. As someone who identifies as a “say yes” person, I’ve loved how many adventures and opportunities saying yes has opened up for me. But in my mid-50’s I’m finally exploring the art of saying no and all the doors that can actually open.

I remember someone once describing aging as looking down a hallway and some of the doors in the hallway are now closed. I recall feeling so disappointed by that notion, the closed doors felt like such a loss of potential. From my perspective now, the closed doors are starting to feel like comfort and truth. It’s not that I don’t feel the potential in my life anymore, just the contrary, I feel it more acutely than ever, but I don’t need to keep all the doors open all the time now. Trying to keep all the doors open started to feel like it was costing me energy and dispersing my focus.

I’m learning that closed doors can feel like a relief because it means there are some things I can just let go of. I can joyfully abandon some things that perhaps were “should do’s” in my life or dreams that looked good on other people but weren’t really a good fit for me. I am happy to close the door and let go of some things. It actually feels freeing to say I’ll never run a marathon, I’ll never be famous, I’ll never keep a perfect house, I’ll never learn to make pastry. It’s okay. I actually don’t want to, and I don’t mind. It feels great to be free of those things. I get to do other stuff instead. Some doors being closed makes it clearer which doors are open and how I choose to go through those doors.

Saying no in our society is a gendered experience. Many of us raised as women were taught to value ourselves as supporters and caregivers. It’s complicated to be that and have boundaries. It’s complicated to be that and say “no”. Even with all the work I do in gender equity, I’m still learning to not only ask for things from other people, but to sometimes say no to them too. Say no because it truly isn’t the right fit for me, because I’ve done enough, because I now know how critical it is to protect my own energy, or because I just don’t want to. In the past, I might have said yes when I wanted to say no and then resented the hell out of it. I’m learning it’s much more clear and compassionate to just say no instead.

Saying no doesn’t always mean saying it out loud. Sometimes it’s just knowing what I want and acting accordingly. There is such beautiful clarity in embracing the no’s. When society still tells women that being good means putting others needs first, it’s really about holding our own needs as equal. When we talk about putting ourselves first, there can be guilt and resistance because it feels selfish, and I get that. But in reality, considering what I actually want or don’t want is just holding myself as equal. As equally important and equally human. I as a person too, get to make decisions based on what I want and don’t want. Sure, there are plenty of things that are not in my complete control – I have to earn a living, the chores need doing, my people are my people, and they are where they are in their own lives. It’s not a free for all. But there is more freedom here than I realized.

That’s one of the beautiful things I’m experiencing about getting older. Every time I say no to something, it feels like a bit of a revelation. It feels wild to just say no, set a clear boundary, and be free of whatever that thing was that I really don’t want. I’m learning to check in with myself more and ask if I do want it or not. I’m learning to hold myself as an equal consideration in my family, my work, my community.

For some of us, the golden rule of treat others the way you want to be treated might better be flipped to treat yourself as you treat others; hold yourself in the same esteem and respect as you hold them. You count too. Just as a person. You don’t need to explain yourself when you say no. You just get to make choices.

Saying no is not in fact selfish or anti-community. It’s a deeper place of self-respect, and the more we have that self-respect and the boundaries that go with it, the more we show up with others as clear, mature and present. And then they can trust that when we do say yes, we really mean it.